Day 1

In 2006 I was working as the head of HR for 2 major cable networks, going through an ugly divorce, working on my masters degree, my father was diagnosed with a type of cancer I had never heard of and I was raising my 2 ½ year old daughter. Up until that time I had been the rock of my family in many ways, when one of them wasn’t speaking to someone else they could always talk through me and I attempted to fix every problem they ever had (and had enjoyed a decent success rate). I was the employee and boss everyone prayed for. I prided myself on my strength, independence and resilience. During that year, I lost all of that, my world crumbled many times and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through.


I would love to say I handled it all with grace, ease, sophistication and a wonderful sense of humor…I didn’t. I cried a lot, ate a lot, yelled a lot, cursed a lot, questioned a lot and fell apart a lot. But in the end, I SURVIVED! At that time that was the best I could wish for. I just needed to get through it. Thriving wasn’t an option, succeeding seemed like a dream, I just had to survive. I knew if I made it through I could eventually find me. I could get back to my normal optimistic, happy self. I just had to survive (AND THANK GOD I DID). I can’t say the last 4 years have been easy. I can’t even say they’ve always been fun or even tolerable but again, it was about survival.

Now I sit, 4 years later, elated by the fact that I made it through the “dark times” as I’ve come to call them. I’ve mastered survival so thriving is next on the list. The sad part is, I have no idea what that looks like for me. As I sit at my desk and take inventory of my life (I think that’s what you do when you approach middle age) I realize that the song that says, “People who need people are the happiest people in the world” was dead wrong. I am proud of my connections. I am thankful for my friends and family but at 35 years old I can’t name 1 thing that I enjoy that doesn’t involve someone else. I have lived my life for (and based my happiness on) others. Don’t get me wrong, I have no desire to live apart from the people I know, count on and love the most but just in case I wake up 20 years from now and I’m still single I need to be OK with that.

To be honest, I have to admit, as I’m typing this in the back of my mind I’m thinking once I can say I don’t need a man in my life one will come falling from the sky and all will be well (I don’t even need one to fall from the sky, I just need the one I’m in like with to come to his senses…but that’s another story). I also have to admit that as good as that last paragraph sounded, I don’t buy it. I don’t want to not need people. I don’t want to not be needed by others. And most of all, if I wake up 2 years from now and I’m still single I will be devastated (I can’t even allow myself to think being single in 20 years is a possibility). But if I survived the last 4 years I can surely recreate myself into a person who is happy with where and what she is at that time.

Having said all of that, I start my journey. I’m not completely sure where I’m headed (since I still don’t know what thriving looks like) but I know I will get there, I think I look forward to the process and I know in some unknown amount of time I will look back on all of this and say it was worth it (did that sound convincing to anyone because I’m still not fully buying it )

Being the slight control freak that I can be at times (I’ve gotten so much better with this one), I wrote a list of 10 things to do this year. Who knows where these things will lead me but as long as it’s a different place I’ll take it! Plus, this whole idea of thriving still alludes me so I needed a starting point to shoot for. So, here’s the list:

1. Read 6 books (those who know me know I'm not a big reader). So far I've selected:

- The Bible (I've never read the whole thing)

- Eat, Pray, Love (I'm getting there)

- The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective (no, I'm not making any announcements with this one but I figure if I was doing anything else I would prepare so I could be great at it so I need to be ready to be an excellent wife when the time comes)

- Baby oh Baby, the Places you'll go (yes, the Dr. Seuss book but it's a good one)

- Not sure of the 5th and 6th ones yet

2. Lose (and keep off) 25 lbs

3. Complete a 1/2 marathon and run a 5k (notice the very important difference between complete and run)

4. Travel abroad to at least 2 countries

5. Find a church I feel comfortable at

6. Find a professional / civic venture that I enjoy

7. Travel somewhere with Christiana that is special for the 2 of us

8. Build a water wall for my living room

9. Learn to cook at least 10 meals that I can whip up at any time and are always great

10. I don't have a 10th yet but for some reason I think lists should be an even number so I guess # 10 is to think of a 10th thing :-)

Before you go on this journey with me, and at this point “you” is my computer because I’m not sure if I want to start a blog or even share this with anyone, I feel I should give you the short version of my past. I’m the oldest of 2 daughters (hey tuttah). My parents are still married (although in my humble opinion they shouldn’t be). I just cringed as I typed that just in case anyone ever reads this I don’t want either of them to get mad at me for saying that publically. My parents were foster parents during my entire childhood so there were usually 6 kids living in the house. I skipped a grade when I was younger. I am very competitive. I have truly Loved 2 men in my life (in the romantic, sweep me off my feet kind of way). Sadly, neither of them was the man that I married because I was too afraid to think of being single any longer. I have seen the potential to love 3 others. From 1989 – 2007 I had a boyfriend or husband ALWAYS (not the same one of course) so being single is still a slightly new concept for me. I am learning to be more honest with myself. I have a lifelong love for (or at least need to) please and fix things for others. I am very competitive. I am legally blind. I am an OK mother but strive every day to get better at that. I have always had 1 friend that I knew I could count on for anything from a hug to a kidney, while that person has changed the role hasn’t. I worry a lot. I’ve just reached the point of being able to let go of people. And while I pray daily, the only things that are consistent in my prayers are my request for the kind of marriage that God had in mind when he invented the concept and for the well being of my daughter and niece. Ok, that’s me in a nutshell. So I guess the journey begins now…