I've decided to try bitter and bitchy on for a while. I'm hoping I have the urge to try something new on soon but right now they seem to fit just right!
Progress: None today, let's keep our fingers crossed for tomorrow.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Day 5
I'm not sure what the difference is between a blog and a journal but I think this has become more of a journal that others may read. To me a blog is written a little more with the reader in mind and this has definitely become a collection of my random thoughts that I jot down for my own benefit and accountability.
With that being said, today's random thoughts. I started training to run a 5k yesterday. In 6 weeks and 1 day I am going to attempt to run a little over 2 1/2 miles...up until yesterday the most I'd ever ran was from my room to the kitchen. We'll see how this goes but I'm very excited about the possibility.
That is actually my new mantra, excited about the possibility. I feel like I am on the verge of a lot of things and while nothing has come to fruition I'm trying to remain optimistic about the possibilities.
I'm really getting into reading the bible. I'm 5 day sin and I'm almost finished with Genesis. They were really off the chain back then. I truly get the saying that there is nothing new under the sun. They did all kind of stuff. As archaic as some of their practices seem I am a little jealous of the direct connection they seem to have to God. He actually spoke to them. I REALLY wish he did that now. I know people say if you pray and listen you'll hear him or he will direct your path or something like that but I would love to hear a big booming voice or have bush in the front yard catch on fire and start talking to me. It would be great to know without a doubt that I was doing what I was suppose to be doing. Oh well...
I'm determined not to make this blog about any men so I won't mention the guy I'm in like with. I will however say, no matter what happens with that I am confident it will work out the way it's suppose to.
Progress on goals:
With that being said, today's random thoughts. I started training to run a 5k yesterday. In 6 weeks and 1 day I am going to attempt to run a little over 2 1/2 miles...up until yesterday the most I'd ever ran was from my room to the kitchen. We'll see how this goes but I'm very excited about the possibility.
That is actually my new mantra, excited about the possibility. I feel like I am on the verge of a lot of things and while nothing has come to fruition I'm trying to remain optimistic about the possibilities.
I'm really getting into reading the bible. I'm 5 day sin and I'm almost finished with Genesis. They were really off the chain back then. I truly get the saying that there is nothing new under the sun. They did all kind of stuff. As archaic as some of their practices seem I am a little jealous of the direct connection they seem to have to God. He actually spoke to them. I REALLY wish he did that now. I know people say if you pray and listen you'll hear him or he will direct your path or something like that but I would love to hear a big booming voice or have bush in the front yard catch on fire and start talking to me. It would be great to know without a doubt that I was doing what I was suppose to be doing. Oh well...
I'm determined not to make this blog about any men so I won't mention the guy I'm in like with. I will however say, no matter what happens with that I am confident it will work out the way it's suppose to.
Progress on goals:
- Walked 3 miles (with a lot of hills)
- Completed day 1 of week 2 of the 5k training
- Bought a scale
- Read several chapters of the Bible
- Read several chapters of Eat Pray Love
- Thought of some business ideas that may be cool
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Day 4 part 1
I walked 4 1/2 miles yesterday!!! I also read 4 chapters and decided my 6th book will be The Purpose Driven Life. And I googled making a water wall. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a 2nd set of hands for this one but I'll get it done.
More importantly, I learned that I sometimes change my behavior based on how I feel about a person (especially when dealing with guys). I'll add that to my lsit of things to work. I think a part of my thriving will require me to be a little more true to who I am.
Off to day #2 of walking.
More importantly, I learned that I sometimes change my behavior based on how I feel about a person (especially when dealing with guys). I'll add that to my lsit of things to work. I think a part of my thriving will require me to be a little more true to who I am.
Off to day #2 of walking.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 2
I made an important discovery today. Part of why I haven't been able to "thrive" or even fully describe what that would look like is because I have a list of things I want to do later. The biggest part of that list are things I want to do when I have a man in my life. For example, I think washing a car by hand is a lot of work but I think it is very fun! I always planned on doing that at least twice a month with my boyfriend / husband. Well, last week I washed the car with my 6 year old and we had a ball.
I also love the idea of picnics. There is definitely something romantic about them but they can be a lot of fun. I have been waiting for years for a man to take me on a picnic. It never occurred to me that I could just go and eat outside on my own. Today I ate outside with my niece and we laughed, stole each others food, talked and had a great time.
I'm sure there are several other things I've been waiting to do for some reason or another...well the wait is over!
Progress towards my goals:
I also love the idea of picnics. There is definitely something romantic about them but they can be a lot of fun. I have been waiting for years for a man to take me on a picnic. It never occurred to me that I could just go and eat outside on my own. Today I ate outside with my niece and we laughed, stole each others food, talked and had a great time.
I'm sure there are several other things I've been waiting to do for some reason or another...well the wait is over!
Progress towards my goals:
- Read 4 chapters in the bible
- Read Oh the Places we'll go (I'll repeat this one several times)
- Picked my 5th book, The Shack
- Made plans to go on a 6 mile walk with my mom tomorrow morning
Monday, August 23, 2010
Day 1
In 2006 I was working as the head of HR for 2 major cable networks, going through an ugly divorce, working on my masters degree, my father was diagnosed with a type of cancer I had never heard of and I was raising my 2 ½ year old daughter. Up until that time I had been the rock of my family in many ways, when one of them wasn’t speaking to someone else they could always talk through me and I attempted to fix every problem they ever had (and had enjoyed a decent success rate). I was the employee and boss everyone prayed for. I prided myself on my strength, independence and resilience. During that year, I lost all of that, my world crumbled many times and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through.
I would love to say I handled it all with grace, ease, sophistication and a wonderful sense of humor…I didn’t. I cried a lot, ate a lot, yelled a lot, cursed a lot, questioned a lot and fell apart a lot. But in the end, I SURVIVED! At that time that was the best I could wish for. I just needed to get through it. Thriving wasn’t an option, succeeding seemed like a dream, I just had to survive. I knew if I made it through I could eventually find me. I could get back to my normal optimistic, happy self. I just had to survive (AND THANK GOD I DID). I can’t say the last 4 years have been easy. I can’t even say they’ve always been fun or even tolerable but again, it was about survival.
Now I sit, 4 years later, elated by the fact that I made it through the “dark times” as I’ve come to call them. I’ve mastered survival so thriving is next on the list. The sad part is, I have no idea what that looks like for me. As I sit at my desk and take inventory of my life (I think that’s what you do when you approach middle age) I realize that the song that says, “People who need people are the happiest people in the world” was dead wrong. I am proud of my connections. I am thankful for my friends and family but at 35 years old I can’t name 1 thing that I enjoy that doesn’t involve someone else. I have lived my life for (and based my happiness on) others. Don’t get me wrong, I have no desire to live apart from the people I know, count on and love the most but just in case I wake up 20 years from now and I’m still single I need to be OK with that.
To be honest, I have to admit, as I’m typing this in the back of my mind I’m thinking once I can say I don’t need a man in my life one will come falling from the sky and all will be well (I don’t even need one to fall from the sky, I just need the one I’m in like with to come to his senses…but that’s another story). I also have to admit that as good as that last paragraph sounded, I don’t buy it. I don’t want to not need people. I don’t want to not be needed by others. And most of all, if I wake up 2 years from now and I’m still single I will be devastated (I can’t even allow myself to think being single in 20 years is a possibility). But if I survived the last 4 years I can surely recreate myself into a person who is happy with where and what she is at that time.
Having said all of that, I start my journey. I’m not completely sure where I’m headed (since I still don’t know what thriving looks like) but I know I will get there, I think I look forward to the process and I know in some unknown amount of time I will look back on all of this and say it was worth it (did that sound convincing to anyone because I’m still not fully buying it )
Being the slight control freak that I can be at times (I’ve gotten so much better with this one), I wrote a list of 10 things to do this year. Who knows where these things will lead me but as long as it’s a different place I’ll take it! Plus, this whole idea of thriving still alludes me so I needed a starting point to shoot for. So, here’s the list:
1. Read 6 books (those who know me know I'm not a big reader). So far I've selected:
- The Bible (I've never read the whole thing)
- Eat, Pray, Love (I'm getting there)
- The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective (no, I'm not making any announcements with this one but I figure if I was doing anything else I would prepare so I could be great at it so I need to be ready to be an excellent wife when the time comes)
- Baby oh Baby, the Places you'll go (yes, the Dr. Seuss book but it's a good one)
- Not sure of the 5th and 6th ones yet
2. Lose (and keep off) 25 lbs
3. Complete a 1/2 marathon and run a 5k (notice the very important difference between complete and run)
4. Travel abroad to at least 2 countries
5. Find a church I feel comfortable at
6. Find a professional / civic venture that I enjoy
7. Travel somewhere with Christiana that is special for the 2 of us
8. Build a water wall for my living room
9. Learn to cook at least 10 meals that I can whip up at any time and are always great
10. I don't have a 10th yet but for some reason I think lists should be an even number so I guess # 10 is to think of a 10th thing :-)
Before you go on this journey with me, and at this point “you” is my computer because I’m not sure if I want to start a blog or even share this with anyone, I feel I should give you the short version of my past. I’m the oldest of 2 daughters (hey tuttah). My parents are still married (although in my humble opinion they shouldn’t be). I just cringed as I typed that just in case anyone ever reads this I don’t want either of them to get mad at me for saying that publically. My parents were foster parents during my entire childhood so there were usually 6 kids living in the house. I skipped a grade when I was younger. I am very competitive. I have truly Loved 2 men in my life (in the romantic, sweep me off my feet kind of way). Sadly, neither of them was the man that I married because I was too afraid to think of being single any longer. I have seen the potential to love 3 others. From 1989 – 2007 I had a boyfriend or husband ALWAYS (not the same one of course) so being single is still a slightly new concept for me. I am learning to be more honest with myself. I have a lifelong love for (or at least need to) please and fix things for others. I am very competitive. I am legally blind. I am an OK mother but strive every day to get better at that. I have always had 1 friend that I knew I could count on for anything from a hug to a kidney, while that person has changed the role hasn’t. I worry a lot. I’ve just reached the point of being able to let go of people. And while I pray daily, the only things that are consistent in my prayers are my request for the kind of marriage that God had in mind when he invented the concept and for the well being of my daughter and niece. Ok, that’s me in a nutshell. So I guess the journey begins now…
I would love to say I handled it all with grace, ease, sophistication and a wonderful sense of humor…I didn’t. I cried a lot, ate a lot, yelled a lot, cursed a lot, questioned a lot and fell apart a lot. But in the end, I SURVIVED! At that time that was the best I could wish for. I just needed to get through it. Thriving wasn’t an option, succeeding seemed like a dream, I just had to survive. I knew if I made it through I could eventually find me. I could get back to my normal optimistic, happy self. I just had to survive (AND THANK GOD I DID). I can’t say the last 4 years have been easy. I can’t even say they’ve always been fun or even tolerable but again, it was about survival.
Now I sit, 4 years later, elated by the fact that I made it through the “dark times” as I’ve come to call them. I’ve mastered survival so thriving is next on the list. The sad part is, I have no idea what that looks like for me. As I sit at my desk and take inventory of my life (I think that’s what you do when you approach middle age) I realize that the song that says, “People who need people are the happiest people in the world” was dead wrong. I am proud of my connections. I am thankful for my friends and family but at 35 years old I can’t name 1 thing that I enjoy that doesn’t involve someone else. I have lived my life for (and based my happiness on) others. Don’t get me wrong, I have no desire to live apart from the people I know, count on and love the most but just in case I wake up 20 years from now and I’m still single I need to be OK with that.
To be honest, I have to admit, as I’m typing this in the back of my mind I’m thinking once I can say I don’t need a man in my life one will come falling from the sky and all will be well (I don’t even need one to fall from the sky, I just need the one I’m in like with to come to his senses…but that’s another story). I also have to admit that as good as that last paragraph sounded, I don’t buy it. I don’t want to not need people. I don’t want to not be needed by others. And most of all, if I wake up 2 years from now and I’m still single I will be devastated (I can’t even allow myself to think being single in 20 years is a possibility). But if I survived the last 4 years I can surely recreate myself into a person who is happy with where and what she is at that time.
Having said all of that, I start my journey. I’m not completely sure where I’m headed (since I still don’t know what thriving looks like) but I know I will get there, I think I look forward to the process and I know in some unknown amount of time I will look back on all of this and say it was worth it (did that sound convincing to anyone because I’m still not fully buying it )
Being the slight control freak that I can be at times (I’ve gotten so much better with this one), I wrote a list of 10 things to do this year. Who knows where these things will lead me but as long as it’s a different place I’ll take it! Plus, this whole idea of thriving still alludes me so I needed a starting point to shoot for. So, here’s the list:
1. Read 6 books (those who know me know I'm not a big reader). So far I've selected:
- The Bible (I've never read the whole thing)
- Eat, Pray, Love (I'm getting there)
- The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective (no, I'm not making any announcements with this one but I figure if I was doing anything else I would prepare so I could be great at it so I need to be ready to be an excellent wife when the time comes)
- Baby oh Baby, the Places you'll go (yes, the Dr. Seuss book but it's a good one)
- Not sure of the 5th and 6th ones yet
2. Lose (and keep off) 25 lbs
3. Complete a 1/2 marathon and run a 5k (notice the very important difference between complete and run)
4. Travel abroad to at least 2 countries
5. Find a church I feel comfortable at
6. Find a professional / civic venture that I enjoy
7. Travel somewhere with Christiana that is special for the 2 of us
8. Build a water wall for my living room
9. Learn to cook at least 10 meals that I can whip up at any time and are always great
10. I don't have a 10th yet but for some reason I think lists should be an even number so I guess # 10 is to think of a 10th thing :-)
Before you go on this journey with me, and at this point “you” is my computer because I’m not sure if I want to start a blog or even share this with anyone, I feel I should give you the short version of my past. I’m the oldest of 2 daughters (hey tuttah). My parents are still married (although in my humble opinion they shouldn’t be). I just cringed as I typed that just in case anyone ever reads this I don’t want either of them to get mad at me for saying that publically. My parents were foster parents during my entire childhood so there were usually 6 kids living in the house. I skipped a grade when I was younger. I am very competitive. I have truly Loved 2 men in my life (in the romantic, sweep me off my feet kind of way). Sadly, neither of them was the man that I married because I was too afraid to think of being single any longer. I have seen the potential to love 3 others. From 1989 – 2007 I had a boyfriend or husband ALWAYS (not the same one of course) so being single is still a slightly new concept for me. I am learning to be more honest with myself. I have a lifelong love for (or at least need to) please and fix things for others. I am very competitive. I am legally blind. I am an OK mother but strive every day to get better at that. I have always had 1 friend that I knew I could count on for anything from a hug to a kidney, while that person has changed the role hasn’t. I worry a lot. I’ve just reached the point of being able to let go of people. And while I pray daily, the only things that are consistent in my prayers are my request for the kind of marriage that God had in mind when he invented the concept and for the well being of my daughter and niece. Ok, that’s me in a nutshell. So I guess the journey begins now…
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